Jesus Christ Almighty, now she wants me to try and find her G-Spot.
This was last night, lying in bed. I told her I was a construction manager, not an explorer, but she didn’t seem to find that particularly funny.
“It’s okay,” she said, playing the wee coquette, “It’s only manual exploration. Fiona will allow it.”
“So I’ve heard. Is she not going out with a vet?”
“Not up there, silly. There.”
She was leading my hand astray.
“Listen, Veena, this is stupid.”
Her cute little face turned to fire. “No it’s not. You just don’t want me investigating my sexuality.”
I turned away from her. “I’m done with investigating. Exploring is for wee boys. Anyway, I’m knackered.”
She hauled me back round again. “You’ve got the stamina and the perseverance of a sloth.”
“I’d check with David Attenborough before I made statements like that. There’s an entire species there you could be denigrating.”
She smiled at that and snuggled into my chest. “Just try for a little while.”
I started exploring again. “How will we know ...?”
“Oh, I’ll know. Kate said ....”
“Bloody Kate! Can the woman not take up knitting or something.
One minute it’s find the bloody clitoris, then it’s find the greater spotted female orgasm.”
Through little grunting sounds she said, “Well you did eventually, didn’t you. A bit to the right please.”
I manfully probed away for another few minutes. “My finger’s getting sore. Are you sure this thing actually exists? I’m sure I read somewhere ....”
“Quiet!” she barked. “There! Harder!”
“Listen, could you not find it yourself, and sort of give me general directions. It would save a hell of a lot of time.”
Her breath was coming in little short bursts. “Can’t. Finger’s too short. Keep going.”
Pains were shooting up my forearm. “My hand’s going numb.”
With my free hand I prised her thighs apart and pulled my damaged hand away from her.
“No!” she wailed, grabbing for it back. “I was almost there, I’m sure of it. Something was happening.”
“Aye, my hand was going to drop off through lack of blood. Listen, don’t fret it, we’ll try again sometime.
Your birthday maybe.”
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