Fiona came round to our house this morning and totally threw me. I thought she was spying on us, or had come to check on our progress or something. I had a notion to check her for stopwatches and theodolites. Turns out she’d given us the wrong bag of books and had come to swap them. Phil was a bit distraught at losing his Bizarre Facts book and made a great issue of noting the title, author, publisher and ISBN number before he handed it over. As if he’s going to walk into a shop and buy a book!
Fiona also gave us both a list of sexual scenarios we should explore. I read it on the way to work when I’d stopped at the lights. It was so shocking that I stalled the car when the lights changed. Does she seriously expect us to get up to these shenanigans? Some of it is bizarre, some of it is repulsive, and at least half of it is disgusting.
I’m going to type it in here because I have to destroy the evidence in case Roddy finds it.
SEXUAL SCENARIOS
(1) Sex Toys. Try vibrators, dildoes, love balls.
(2) Make love in other parts of the house, away from the bedroom. Try the kitchen, hall, bathroom.
(3) Watch yourself making love in mirrors. Use a video camera if you have one.
(4) Make love outdoors or in the car. Enjoy the sense of danger at the possibility that you might get caught.
(5) Gender swap. Wear each other’s clothes. Let the female partner be the aggressor. Experiment with a strap-on dildo.
(6) Spontaneous oral sex. To be performed when your partner least expects it.
(7) Anal sex. Does not have to include penetration if this is too painful, but the anus is rich in nerve endings.
(8) Bondage. Many people find the thought of being powerless to resist during a sexual session a massive turn-on.
(9) Sado-masochism. This can range from mild chastisement, in the form of a hand slapping buttocks, to whips, paddles and canes.
(10) Latex/Rubber/Leather. Many people find these give a sensuous tactile experience and are also visually stimulating.
(11) Voyeurism. Would you like other people to watch you making love? Would you like to watch other couples making love?
(12) Partner swapping. Not a way to have extra-marital sexual affairs, but a life-enhancing way to share and enjoy your partner’s pleasure with other lovers.
No, thank you very much.
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